Note from Jillian: The following post is from my dog Chily. Apparently, he feels that he has something worthwhile to share with the blogosphere (aka dogosphere) but doesn’t have the platform upon which to spread the word… yet.
Shhh! The bandits are here again this week. They’re in my yard as I write to you now. As usual, they are so predictable! They show up every week like clockwork, just like The Celebrity Apprentice. I like that Donald Trump, he looks like the Old English sheepdog at the dog park. The Old English sheepdog is named Bobtail because, he says, people used to trim sheepdog’s tails into a bob. Maybe instead of calling the guy on TV “The Donald,” we should call him “The Bob.”
I notice that the dogs at the dog park get along better than the humans on The Celebrity Apprentice. Why do they fight so much when they’re supposed to be working together? And for charity! (Although I probably wouldn’t watch if they all played nice.) They act like they are enemies. You need to know who your enemies are and be prepared, like me with the bandits.
Every time they come, they somehow sneak through the fence and begin destroying our yard. I think they’re secretly trying to capture my humans and it’s my duty to keep them away. I’ve seen people on television who sneak around – they’re called terrorists. I’ll call the bandits the Yard Terrorists.
The Yard Terrorists come in with colorful bananas tied across their faces. They look like they’re robbing the Pony Express. Then they start chopping our trees with huge scissors. Then they use loud, scary machines to tear up our beautiful lawn. Ruining the grass I worked so hard to train. High in some spots. A lovely brown patch in the corner, and the perfect flat circle right where the sun hits in the middle of the afternoon. My brother, Hofstadter, the conspiracy theory buff, thinks aliens made the circle in our lawn. Ha, aliens. Nope, just me, and I don’t have a super powered spaceship. I just roll around a lot. I let him think he’s right, though, ‘cause I don’t like to argue when I don’t have to.
My circle is the perfect spot to lie down and soak up the warm sun and watch over my territory. The Yard Terrorists know I’m here to protect against them because they have ingeniously shut me in by blocking my doggy-door. I have underestimated you my foe! Now, with the blockade in place I must change my strategy. I travel from window to window keeping my eyes trained on them. They shall not enter my home. As Dog is my witness, they shall not get in! How do these yard terrorists get past the fence at the edge of my land? Father said they are thinking of building a wall around the United Skates to keep people out. I can tell you from first hand experience, a wall won’t always stop bad people. Why isn’t anyone doing anything about these Yard Terrorists?
You would think when someone shows up with a banana over their face, it’s obvious they are going to be trouble. When I was talking to Hofstadter about this he said that the guys who wear the bananas over their faces aren’t the biggest threat, it’s the one’s who look like everyone else that I should worry about the most.
After my bath the groomer guy puts a banana on me but I chew it off, I am not a terrorist, I am a terrier! Ha Ha Woof Woof! So how do you know who’s good and who’s bad?
Oh, look, the cowards are retreating. My threats have not gone unheeded. Until next time, Yard Terrorists, until next time…